JOURNALING
so do you keep a journal?
.
"do you journal?" The words felt so disconnected from reality. So paltry a phrasing, and in the face of the evidence to what it was I did do. She had a literal pile of hand created notebooks of various sizes, which had each of their distinct characteristics pointed out and explained in detail. This one has no lines and a larger paper size, so i'm using it for drawings, I had said. And these other ones are smaller with dot grid, paper bound so I can swap them out with the one in the hard cover one here. This one is for lanuage learning, and this other one I use for more long form writing. on and on for various minutes. The last question then "do you journal?" What do you even mean by journal? do you mean do I write my day to day experiences and feelings? what form would that have to take for it to be considered journaling? If my day to day experience is learning a language then obviously the journal is the collection of notes i have taken! That is the experience of that day. Does it need to be dated? well then unequivically /maybe/. I could be said to keep a digital journal in that case. Obviouslly. But never do i take the actual effort to date things myself! Not on paper, and not digitally. It's only a fact of the system that files keep modification and access time stamps, and that my file system keeps a historical record of modifications as a matter of course. I don't do it myself nor would i want to. Time has always been such an annoyance, why would i bother with keeping track of it? there is too much else to do to waste my time on keeping track of what i did when! and I can hear the echos of the journal keeping cultists in my past, it's for self reflection. Of course I self reflect! I have had to take fucking paid classes to learn how to not selfreflect so damn much! even so there is a special kind of power in written self reflection the cultist argue. I know that too you fucking idiotic retards. But have you considered that taking that self reflection and turning it into a metaphor or an artistic expression is the literal only difference between a collection of poems or short stories and the mundane pathetic scrawl of a "journal". I take my feelings, and I paint the page with prose, I turn it into a story. And when it's done 99 times out of 100 it looks nothing like a "journal". "um, i mean... i guess? I have a lot of different books, obviously, for different things... I don't just put a day to day listing of things in one of them, and call it a journal..." she seemed confused. like there was some kind of language barrier between us. and obviously I felt that disconnect as well. I mean, clearly I felt it because i had no understanding at all why the question would be brought up. "So have you thought about selling them" i groaned and turned away. I've heard this question a thousand times before about a thousand different things. I have no idea what compels these people to ask such idiotic questions. Do they cast their pearls before swine? Do they sell their signs and tokens for money?! no, of course not. but then they expect it of me for some reason. I've thrown others the question back at them before and it didn't go well. but I wasn't feeling like arguing and wanted to be as dismissive as possible. The groan was already a step in that direction. "I don't understand why all you people want to have me take things I like to do and turn it into a hell." I breathed still facing away head perforativly down cast and shaking. I considered fully facepalming. "you could easily sell them for 20$ a book tho, they look so nice" "first of all..." venom now edging "If i were to consider it the bill of materials is about 12$ for it. Considering the time investment, the tooling, the fact i can't streamline processess, I couldn't possibly sell them at a price anyone would consider reasonable. 60$ for the smallest, 80 for the larger soft ones, and 120 for the hard version in the same size. that's ignoring the actual large books, which i wouldn't want to go less than 200. there's no market." "well there are advantages to lower run, you don't want to spend all your time dealing with making and shiping so it makes sence, but even selling 1 or 2 a month you'd be making something" i wanted to spit in her face. I couldn't of course. did she purposely derail me, or did she just think the "firstly" was something I hadn't thought through to that extent. I know ofcourse that the pool of buyers goes down with price. who the fuck doesn't know that. I didn't say "no market" as hyperbole. I know what it would take to find those 1 or 2 a month. there is no price high enough to get me to run a fucking instagram marketing account. so. no. there is no market. and this is all ignoring the other reason much more real reason. Even if i could economically justify doing it, and there magically was some market for the product and i didn't have to digitally go door to door debasing myself to do it, there is still the pressing issue of selling things I made in the first place. I'm not a fucking whore. Or rather, if i'm going to whore myself out it better be for the whole fucking bag, not some table scraps. Would she sell her children for less? no? then why the fuck should i. Why should i sell the creation of my own hand? why should i have to take something i choose to do for my own betterment for my own purposes and make it into i single food delivery in value? disgusting. "well at the very least it will give you something to do." she offers "what makes you think i don't have things to do?! I have too damn much to do! I'm constantly struggling to get even a minute portion of the things done that i want to do! maybe you are bored and pathetic and idle alone at home, but i choose to be alone at home because it's the only fucking way i can get anything done at all! all your social bullshit is a monumential waste of my fucking time. I could have studied 10 more words in the time it took to have this conversation. I could have practice 3 chord transitions I have trouble with. I could have drawn a picture. I could have read a chapter of a book. I could have died more fabric. Writen a fucking "journal" entry. riden my bike to a park. written a new program. anything. You think I have nothing to do? go fuck yourself you pathetic waste of space." i didn't say any of that. no of course not. She would be gone soon enough, and it would be years until i see her again. "im too busy as it is. I have a lot of things im already working on. I don't need to add another thing, especially something I don't want to do." And yes. I journal, bitch. I'm doing it right fucking now.
tags:
money plans red safe slave